Michael D. Davis.

I’ve been sick a lot in my life. A lowered immune system will do that to ya. I’ve learned a thing or two, picked up a tip or trick here and there, and I know how I like to be sick.

So, last week, I get really ill. My stomach is hurting like someone shot a cannonball into it. I know I’m gonna end up doing something that I fortunately haven’t needed to do for a couple of years. I needed to throw up, yak, vomit, blow chunks, whatever ya call it. So, I head outside.

Ya see, I am a powerful vomiter. I get an upset stomach, and suddenly I’m Regan in The Exorcist. Every bit of my body wants to jump out of my mouth. My eyes blur. And sometimes I run out of breath before I run out of vomit. I’ve vomited so hard that I’ve had to take my inhaler. The noise I make in the process is one of ridiculous proportions. I’ve been told it sounds like a scream. I’ve also been told it sounds like a velociraptor or some sort of dinosaur.

Being the powerful vomiter that I am, aim is very tough for me. The toilet is the usual place people vomit, I feel. However, between my buckshot vomit and the bathroom being so small that when I bend over, my backside turns on the faucet, puking in the toilet doesn’t work for me.

When I was a kid and puked, my Ma would put towels down on the floor like I was a dog. We would have a designated vomit area, and if I started to look like I was about to yak, she’d tell me to go stand on the towel.

I finally figured out the trick though. Puke outside. There are a couple of different benefits to this, the first being the fresh air. You’re feeling sick, maybe you have a fever, you step outside, and a nice cool fresh breeze hits your face. Sometimes, that right there is enough to make you feel better.

Second benefit, you have a moment to yourself. Unlike ralphing inside, you can be alone, you don’t disturb anyone with any sights, smells, or sounds, and you can just take a moment for yourself in the bushes. However, depending on where you are and the time of day, you may get a rubbernecker or two. I have vomited outside more than once as traffic has gone by, looking on with morbid, disturbing curiosity.

The last benefit is the most obvious: little cleanup. Just go back inside. You’re done. Maybe when you feel better, you can come back out and throw some dirt over it. Make it so you’re not the guy with the obvious pile of vomit on his front lawn, but that’s about it.

So, if you drive by my house, and I’m outside in my pajamas or in an odd state of dress, and I’m bent at the waist and making a noise like a wounded bear, don’t worry, I’m just blowing chunks.