Michael D. Davis.

Well, Sunday was Ma’s birthday. I won’t tell ya how old she turned, but let’s just say she’s north of ten and south of a hundred. And like every day in the Davis household, the whole thing seemed fraught with ridiculousness.

Everything started a few days before when my Father, the Old One, presented Ma with her gift. Having gone to a flea market, the Old One picked up a metal sign that was the silhouette of a dog. Dixie, our dog, is a Jack Russel; the sign was of a wiener dog. That didn’t stop my Father none, he had a plan. The tail of the silhouette would be cut to replicate Dixie’s, then I would paint the sign to complete the look. I was unaware I’d be offered up for this project, but whatever. Part two of the gift was a small mail box that my Father will sand and prime, and, apparently, I’ll paint with Dixie’s name so she can receive her own mail. The sign with the wrong type of dog on it aside, this is a real turnaround since the Old One never wanted a dog in the first place.

On the day in question, Dixie gave the first gift, an 8×10 headshot of herself. This was well received; mine, on the other hand… So, after weeks and weeks of thought, I had decided to get Ma a Kindle reader. I knew she would not like this idea, but Ma’s eyes aren’t what they used to be, and she has always loved to read, so I was determined.

Ma opened the Kindle reader and immediately said, “Oh, God no.” I went through a whole spiel about the great advantages of the device and how I had already set it up for her with a book, but she was still against it. Ma first contested the gift on financial grounds. She said I shouldn’t have spent so much and that I should return it to get my money back. After some back and forth, I just ended this by lying and saying that I got a helluva deal on it; it was only 20 or 30 bucks. Ma seemed swayed for a moment, then she asked me if that was a lie, and I said yes.

Ma’s second tactic for refusing the gift was more interesting. She almost word for word repeated the entirety of the spiel I gave to her back to me in an attempt to convince me that I should keep the device for myself. She even went as far as to not so subtly push it at me. After about an hour of back and forth, I finally crumbled when she went for the tactic of repeatedly saying, “Don’t try to change me.”

So, I started a return on the Kindle reader. I was crestfallen, but there was no fighting the old lady. Then about an hour or so after that, Ma goes, “Well, I guess I could get books on it that I couldn’t really get anywhere else.” I said, “Exactly,” and I cancelled the return. That night Ma picked out a book, and she hasn’t put down the Kindle since. She’s already finished that first book and has a couple others lined up. After the amount of grief she gave me, I think she owes me a present.

Later that night, my sister brought home supper and a cake, which came with its own story of dysfunction. My sister had ordered a cake for Ma a week or two in advance, ordered to pick up on the day of the birthday. However, when my sister got to the bakery, there was no cake. Apparently, the order was taken by a not-so-competent employee, and the cake never came to fruition. Thinking quickly, my sister called another place that just so happened to have a blank cake on hand. Icing was quickly spread into a message of congratulations, and my sister had a cake.

All in all, the day was rather fine. I think Ma enjoyed her birthday and the gifts she received, no matter how much grief she gave. And the day ended, like all birthdays in the Davis household, with The Old One asking to have the first piece of cake.