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Magic Mike 6XL: The I Scream Special

Michael D. Davis.

I am like a dead tooth when it comes to horror movies, almost completely desensitized. And there is a reason for that.

So, between my parents, and not ever really enjoying the outdoors, I got a good movie education as a kid. I’m not sayin’ we sat around talkin’ Fellini or the themes of Tarantino, but we watched a lot. Horror was a big one for me. I said it before, and I’ll say it again, I was probably the only kid in grade school who could talk about Hitchcock’s ‘Psycho.’

‘The Burbs’ with Tom Hanks is another one that is very dear to my family. While not strictly horror there, I definitely would call it introductory. I think I’ve watched that movie at least once a year, every year of my life. Ya can’t go wrong with it.

I will say, my desensitivity does have its limits. Usually, it needs to be a ‘Cannibal Holocaust’ level film, but nevertheless, there are a few things I just can’t stand no matter what the movie. First, rodents, scared of them in real life, won’t watch them on TV. Just no.

Second, eyes usually get me. Those scenes of torture where the camera goes really close up on a needle or a razor just about to hit the pupil, can’t watch. There are also a few scenes that are just gross, that get me: the main example being “Drag Me To Hell,” most of that film I can watch eating, no problem.

But there is this one scene at the beginning where the main character and an old lady are fighting. The old lady loses her teeth in the brawl, but she still tries to bite the main character, ending up mainly just gumming the character’s lower jaw. It’s horrible, but most everything else, I’m good with, and I got to this desensitized state because of my Ma.

Now, where I will just about watch anything because I am a bit of a movie tramp, my Ma has her limitations. For horror, she will a hundred percent watch a movie if it’s got some guy stomping through the woods with a bloody knife, but if the dead start rising, she’s turning it off. So growing up, we watched a lot of thrillers, the more crime-centered, killer-on-the-loose, type of flick. And my Ma had a joke that she did, during every single movie.

It would be at least halfway through the movie, so you’re really hooked on the story. And one of those edge-of-your-seat scenes would come up. You know what I’m talking about.

The main character is alone in her house. It’s after midnight. She hears a noise. She starts down the hallway, the old floorboards creaking under her steps. The lights flicker as she glances from room to room. The music is usually either strings or percussion. Possibly just the banging of a drum over and over as she gets closer to the closed door at the end of the hall, thump, thump, thump. The floorboards creak, thump, thump, thump, the drums beat faster.

She reaches out for the knob, and “AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!” My Ma screams, which causes me to scream, which causes my Ma to laugh hysterically.

She did this during every scary movie for years. She still does it now, it just doesn’t affect me anymore. She did it tonight during a movie, and I didn’t flinch.

But a few years ago she did get me again. I don’t remember what we were watching, just that it was a new, good horror movie. I was in it, I was invested in the characters, and my eyes were glued to the screen. Then one of those edge-of-your-seat scenes comes on.

She didn’t scream. Nope, Ma sneezed. I nearly wet myself. I then had to pause the movie because Ma was doubled up in laughter. She brings it up often.