Magic Mike 6XL: A fever, a cough, and two tubes of Chinese toothpaste

Michael D. Davis

Well, I got sick, had me some Influenza, a sprinkle of ear infection, and just a touch of pneumonia. The bad part is the rest of the house was sick too. I can’t have nothin’ for myself.

Ya know, somethin’ else? I either look like death all the time or when I’m sick I have the power to retain my natural beauty.

I mean, when I’ve been sick, people have told me I’m lookin’ good and when I’ve been just peachy people have asked if I’m feelin’ alright. I’m thinkin’ of callin’ it the Paul Giamatti effect. Ya never know whether I’m dyin’ or gettin’ ready to climb a mountain, apparently, I look like crap either way.

Then there’s my sister. She has very few health problems, and when she does fall ill, she acts like the Grim Reaper is trying to scratch her off his list. For instance, last week, she got a cough, and when she gets a cough it just takes her down.

I mean literally; she’ll be standing there, then start to cough and hack and crumple like a paper bag. She’ll start coughin’ which will first cripple her at the waist causing her to bend forward as her knees then begin to falter. The whole sight is a mix between a sick shakin’ chihuahua and a Broadway diva performin’ a death scene. I’ve never seen her go all the way to the floor with a coughin’ fit, but I figure if she ever does, that’ll just be the end of her.

I was in the doctor’s office three times last week makin’ sure I was on the mend. On the second trip, my sister, who claimed to be feelin’ better, came along. I sat in the tiny room only breathin’ with half a lung as I cough up bloody snot and shiver in my chair. But again, apparently, that’s just the norm for me, ’cause the doctor came in and asked how my sister was doin’.

The worst part of that visit, though, was while we were in the room waitin’ my sister decided to make use of the hard candy she had in her pocket. Firstly, she opened them like an old lady in the movie theater, each piece took her longer to open than to devour. Once the hard candy was popped in her mouth, she then proceeded to jostle it about, bouncin’ it off her teeth.

If a nurse decided to come in and hit me repeatedly in the head with a hammer while runnin’ their nails up and down a chalkboard, I would have said yes please as it could’ve only improved my situation. We were in that little room for maybe half an hour, I’m not sure it’s a bit of a blur, but I’m certain she went through two dozen of those hard candies.

Although I am more or less better now, I am still sufferin’ from some of the illnesses after effects. For example, I still have a bit of a cough. Also, I just received a package in the mail that I guess I bought while I had a fever. I’ll be honest, the memory of making this purchase is a bit of a fog. I remember thinkin’ about maybe buyin’ it, and then I remember seein’ the shipment notification email a few days later.

Okay, what I bought was a box full of undeliverable packages. Ya see there is this company where you can buy a big box of these never-before-opened packages that were either lost in the mail or couldn’t be delivered.

You never know what you’re gonna get, ya just gotta open the box, then open the packages to see. I believe I got this for Ma for Mother’s Day, and I believe I ordered this when I did because it said it would take multiple weeks to arrive. Well, it came today, and I knew I couldn’t keep the secret or hide the big box so me and Ma celebrated early.

Sadly, though we got a dud of a box. The contents were as follows: two tubes of what we think is Chinese toothpaste, three children’s sweatshirts, one golden necklace, one strand of odd Christmas lights, and a tiny brassiere.

I guess it wasn’t all bad, my Ma, who can find the bright side of things, liked the box the necklace came in and is goin’ to repurpose it. The rest of the rubbish was thrown back into the box, which was then thrown in the corner.

Dear Lord, I hope I didn’t buy anything else while I had that fever, but I can’t be sure.