Michael D. Davis

I am not picky when it comes to movies. I will watch just about anything. I have seen thousands and thousands of movies, and the worst one I’ve ever seen, I’d probably watch again.

My family doesn’t share my views on this. Particularly my sister, forget judging a movie by its poster because I’ve seen her hear only the title of a movie and decide against it. My dad, on the other hand, will watch any stupid movie, usually if it has one of three things: war, cowboys, or Christmas. One day, all three will be put together, and he’ll just watch it on repeat. My ma is more my speed; she’ll watch any genre as long as the movies are good, and trust me, if the movie ain’t good, you’ll hear about it.

My personal record for movies watched in a day is six. Just going one after another. And genre or quality of the movie is rarely a problem. I can start the day with the 80’s classic Street Trash, and I can end the day with Mean Girls. No problem. I am not a cinema snob. I don’t care in what angle the main character was shot or what the director is really trying to say. I just wanna watch a movie.

The only time I have problems watchin’ movies is when I’m watchin’ em with family, and then one of them nudie scenes comes up. We’ve all been there, I’m sure. You’re watchin’ a murder mystery with your Ma, then all of a sudden gettin’ an eyeful of the privates of the private eye. Or you’re watchin’ a period drama, then all of a sudden Princess Mayhew is doing a little slap and tickle in the back of the stagecoach. These moments are uncomfortable and weird.

If ignoring the situation isn’t working, or the scene in question is going on for an oddly long amount of time, I can always rely on my Ma for some sort of commentary. For example, just last night, we were watching this movie, and one of these slap and tickle scenes came up. After a minute or two, my Ma said, “Don’t you think he’s gonna be late for work?”

But I got one worse for ya. This was years ago, back when Movies N’ More was still going strong in Tama, and you could get a couple DVDs for the weekend. I rented the 2011 “Conan the Barbarian” film with Jason Momoa for me and my dad to view. Now, it started out great, not as great as Arnold Schwarzenegger’s version, but ya know.

Then we came upon a scene in which Conan started to do the horizontal mambo in a cave. I couldn’t take it. My dad looked towards the west. I faced the east. Neither of us were looking at the television. It was horrible. I had to make it stop; I had to get past this scene. So, I did the only thing I could think of; I hit fast forward. I failed to get the images off the screen, instead, I had shifted them into a new gear.

So, if there is a lesson to be learned here, it is the next time you are in this kind of situation with the awkwardness and the weirdness. When all you want to do is make the scene on the television stop, whatever you do, don’t hit fast forward.