John Sheda

Let me ask you a very personal yet important question about your life. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want but that probably says more about you than if you just shun your fears and answer the darn question. Do inanimate objects ever talk to you? Yes, inanimate things such as, well, things that aren’t alive!! They sure do to me. Thus my “Twilight Zone” life and the title of this column. Here are a few of my examples….

Because inanimate things talk to me, (not loud enough for anyone else to hear), I seldom go to Wal-Mart or Fareway. It seems that often walking down the aisles, certain foods or other items talk to me. Potato Chips for example. Doritos. A lot of comments in the chocolate and candy aisles. “Psst, John, how about taking me home” or “John, you’re gonna wish later that you bought me.” It can be very nerve-racking to say the least.

My recliner chair at home often tells me to “sit down and rest a spell.” Which I often do.

And when I open the refrigerator, everyone is screaming at me………….”take me, take me…”

Well something really strange happened the other day and I think it all boils down to the fact that I am absolutely tired or winter. Bah-Humbug! As I opened my closet to get my shoes for Church last Sunday, I heard the strangest whimper. Thinking it was my imagination, I just ignored it but as the closet door was closing, it became more than a whimper and was actually some sobbing. Inside my closet, mind you. What in the world could this be? I pushed aside my shirts and my pants wondering who was hiding in the closet and feeling so sad. At first I thought it was Deb, but what in the world or more to the point why in the world would she be crying in my closet????

Then I noticed the strangest thing ever known to mankind. The sobbing was coming from my FLIP-FLOPS. They missed me. It’s been way before Christmas that we’ve hung out together. They were sad and scared being in a dark closet all alone saying they didn’t get along with my other shoes. They said my Sunday black shiny shoes wouldn’t have anything to do with them and my everyday shoes bragged to them how they took their place. In effect, my FLIP-FLOP’s feelings were hurt. They wondered what they had done to be just cast aside, not knowing whether they would ever be able to come out of the closet again.

“We were so close last spring, summer and well into the fall,” they exclaimed with such pride, “but now we’ve just been forsaken. We’ve been so proud to be a vital part of your ensemble.” I tried to explain about the four seasons, and winter was just not conducive for flip-flops but then I heard Deb yelling from the living room, “John, are you talking to the closet? Are you talking to things again. Honey, you need help, you really need help.” I quickly told my flip-flops how much I loved them and that their time was coming real soon and they would once again be among friends with the Old Geezers out on the golf course. This satisfied them at least for the time being.

So as I was leaving the my bedroom area and walking through the bathroom, I heard another voice coming from the shower, “Hey John, how about visiting me every now and then?”

I think even Deb heard this because I heard a loud “AMEN” coming from the living room.

So, tell me………..let me know if I’m crazy or what at jsheda@indytel.com or call me at 319.327.4640. Gotta go, the recliner is waiting for me.