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In to the Wind

July 31, 2012
By Mike Gilchrist , Toledo Chronicle, Tama News-Herald

Sometimes abstractions become distractions, like old Neil Diamond videos playing on over the air TV. Like old songs played over and over you really didn't like the first time.

Quark: An infinitely small particle of little relevance. Like the kid who compares his life with the chronicles of his favorite superhero. Episodes in his life have blurred in his reality. It is unclear which really happened, and which are mere daydreams or vicarious visions of what the superhero did.

Maybe it takes an artist to figure this one out, but when you draw a blank, what does it look like?

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With a certain perverse air, I think it really weird that Hooked on Phonics, a fairly new technique for teaching phonetic reading is NOT spelled Hooked on Fonix!

Have you ever been in a very noisy environment and heard someone exclaim, "It's so loud I can't hear myself think?" Really now, can you actually hear yourself think?

The next time you spend all that extra money so you won't have any layovers when you're flying somewhere, think very seriously about what the term "non-stop flight" means. I think we should be a little nervous before we get onto such a flight.

There is one term I think must be something akin to having a hole in one's head. If you have an open mind, why don't your thoughts fall out? What keeps them locked in, brain cells?

Maybe this is more rhetorical than analysis of language, but have you ever wondered what vegetarians feed their dogs? "Here puppy, want some tofu?"

There are people who feel their mission in life is to scan the world for endangered species and create a safe habitat for them. These species might come from the animal kingdom or the plant kingdom. I wonder what they do when they find an endangered animal that only eats endangered plants?

Have you ever wondered why rain drops, but snow falls?

There are a few "givens" in life. One of those I was always taught was, "Quitters never win." By the same token (where'd that come form?) if "winners never quit," who came up with the term, "Quit while you're ahead"? My mom always told me, "You can't have it both ways!"

Maybe you'd have to go way back in time to figure this one out, but just what was the best thing before sliced bread?

I am mildly amused by the commercials on television advertising the Psychic Hotline. They give you a toll free number to call. If they were really psychics, wouldn't they be calling you instead?

What about those platforms erected as a hunting aid. They are used to sit and wait for deer to come by so the hunter can take a shot. If they're spending all of their time sitting there waiting for the deer, then why do they call it a deer stand?

If corn oil is made from corn, and sunflower oil is made from sunflowers, then how do they make baby oil?

How many fish do they have to kill to make cod liver oil? Just how big is a cod liver? How oily are they?

I get tired fast of all the politicking involved in a Presidential race. The millions of dollars spent on radio and TV spots only serve, in my view, to reinforce my belief that the candidate who lies the best will win. They all lie. They all have hidden agendas, and the process carries on way too long. The way the machine operates now, you no longer have to put up with all the hoopla during the election year, but the year before, and part of the year before that. It's kind of like merchants who start with the Christmas displays way before Thanksgiving; presidential politicking just keeps getting earlier and earlier. Bah.

Early morning coffee: I guess I should just call it caffeine. If it weren't for my early morning coffee, I'd be more of an insufferable bastard than I already am. My friends and family are grateful for my early morning infusions. If you knew me better, you would be grateful too. I know the caffeine isn't good for me, but lack of is not good for people around me. Other coffee drinkers will, I'm sure agree.

I have learned that it's not healthy for parents to live out their athletic fantasies through their children.

I have also learned that one loss does not make a season.

I have learned that you can love someone, and still not like them very much.

In summation, don't grow up, it's a trap.

Until next time--

You can read past columns by visiting and clicking on the "Local Columns" button at the bottom of the page.

In to the Wind and this column are copyright 2005 - 2012 Mike Gilchrist. Readers, feel free to contact me at via email, or write to me at P.O. Box 255, Toledo, IA 52342.



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